Confused and annoyed (kindheartedguy) wrote,
Confused and annoyed
kindheartedguy

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Confused

I'm so damn confused right now, I don't know what to do or what I want any more. I told Jessica that I wanted to be with her and I do I also told her I would give her a second chance, but at the same time I don't want to be with her and I don't know why... I honestly don't. I care about her and everything but I just don't think I should be with anyone right now until I figure out exactly what it is that I want. I don't know how to tell her, because I don't want to hurt her and I really don't want to lose her friendship, but I fear that I have to tell her something before this goes too far again. I just really don't know what to do, I don't want to be with her, but I care about her and I do want to be with her. I think I just need to be single again for a while until I figure out what I want... because being this damn confused is just driving me fucking crazy and I honestly don't need it right now. I just think that there is so much out there that I haven't experienced and everything, it's not that she's holding me back but in the same sense the relationship is. Yesterday at school one of the girls there started kissing on me and... I pushed her away, I didn't want to but I did because I am in a relationship and I was afraid of the repercussions of my actions. For once I would like to go out and be able to do absolutely anything with out fear of the repercussions of my own actions from someone I'm "involved with". On top of all of this I've been working so damn much that I just don't have time for a relationship and I'm about to start another job next week doing security again.
Jessie, I know your probably reading this. All I can say is I'm sorry, I couldn't verbalize this to you; I've never been much of a talker about my feelings and all that stuff. Either that or I couldn't stand to sit across from you and see that I've hurt you once again. It made me feel like shit the first time and to know that it's probably going to hurt you again is making me feel even worse. But truth be told I think it'd be better if I was and stayed single for a while, I'm not sure how long but a while. I need to find out who I truly am, before I can make any sort of commitment. I'm truly sorry.
Jimmy
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